Please Don't Hate Me
by BrokenHeartedExorcist
Summary: Allen had been depressed for quite some time, he tried to hide it from Lavi but when Allen starts to get suicidal thoughts things spiral out of control.YAY I am so happy my computer is finaly letting me submit my sories and add chapters under D.Gray Man!


Hello everyone I have been inspired by Kayday and her heart touching story Blank please read it! I cried myself to sleep after I read her story. So Kayday, if you don't mind I am going to use a part from your story(Please don't hate me it was just so good!) Off to the depressing story!

Allen Walker was a boy of many troubles, his parents left him at birth and his foster father died in a car accident. He felt all alone, that all changed when he met Lavi Bookman. They met at school, it was love at first sight. If you met them you would have guessed that they had been together since the time they were born, they never fought, they always said I love you to one another no matter the place or time. They had stayed together for four years, they soon moved in together when Lavi was 22 and Allen was 19.

"Morning Allen" Lavi smiled at Allen, he rubbed his eyes from just waking up and being tiered.

"Morning Lavi" Allen smiled back yawning. "What do you want for breakfast, love?" Lavi asked Allen. "I don't care, whatever you want" "Ok, how about pancakes?" "Sounds good" The two smiled back at one another.

"Well I better get my butt off to work" Lavi said getting up out of his chair. "Okay~ have fun" Allen smiled. "Don't worry I will" Lavi replied sarcastically "see you tonight, love you"hollered Lavi walking out of the apartment closing the door. "Love you too" Allen called out from the kitchen.

Allen spent the rest of the day cleaning, while he was cleaning out the kitchen he noticed a knife laying on the counter. He reached out and grabbed it, he stared at it for a while until he saw a picture in his head of him on the kitchen floor surrounded by blood with the knife laying next to him and Lavi was holding him crying. He dropped the knife immediately shocked with the horror of the image. Yes he had been struggling with depression and Lavi knew about it but he didn't know about his suicidal thoughts.

Allen had tried to push the suicidal feelings aside because he loved Lavi and he did not want to leave him alone, no he didn't want to leave Lavi in general, in fact he hated when Lavi left for work because of being separated from him.

Allen started to cry, "I hate myself" he screamed "I hate these thoughts."

It took Allen a while to collect him self enough to pick up the knife and toss it in the drawer were it came from.

"Lavi" Allen threw him self at the older red head as he walked in the door. "Allen" Lavi hugged his love close "god I missed you" Lavi whispered in Allen's ear. "I missed you to" Allen whispered back. They both pulled away from the hug and kissed each other, not in a lustful way but in a loving caring way. "You wanna have dinner" Lavi asked Allen. "Ya, sounds good" Allen smiled.

They had small talk while they ate "Oh ya I can't believe I forgot, Allen, Dayshia is having a guys night out and invited me to go this Saturday, you wouldn't mind if I went would you?""Of course not" smiled Allen. On the inside he was screaming No, no please don't leave me here alone, I'm scared of what I might do if I'm alone for that long. "Great" grinned Lavi.

The rest of the night went by slowly. Soon after the clock struck 11 they decided to go to bed. They cuddled close and held each other trying to fall of into blissful sleep.

"Lavi" "hmm?" "I love you "I love you to." Shit, Allen thought I need to tell him about the knife. He fell asleep before he had the chance to say anything else.

Two days passed and it was Saturday, the day that Lavi would be going out with his friends, Allen thought.

The day passed by so fast Allen was dumbfounded. "Well better get going" Lavi smiled getting ready to walk out of the door. "Bye" he said looking down at Allen who was standing next to him. Love you" Lavi bent down and gave Allen a quick kiss on the lips. "Love you to" Allen said back looking up at Lavi.

The door closed with a hard thump. Allen was know scared, he was trying to think of something to keep him occupied until Lavi got home. "I know, what about watching t.v " Allen smiled talking to him self. About an hour after first sitting down to watch t.v Allen went into the kitchen on a commercial break to fix up a bowl of cereal. When he opened up the utensil drawer he saw the knife. He slowly picked it up once again staring at it looking at his reflection.

Tears were soon flowing down his cheeks, "I'm sorry Lavi' Allen cried "I'm so sorry, I just can't take it any more" Allen then slid the sharp blade down his wrist at that second he had a flash back of him and Lavi, they were walking in the park smiling holding hands.

"Lavi, I love moments like this" Allen smiled up at the red head. "I love these moments to" he said smiling back. There was a slight breeze, blowing Lavi's orange scarf in the wind. Two butterflies were dancing in the wind with each other, one white and pale the other orange, red and colorful.

"Those butterflies look kinda like us" Lavi pointed up to the two butterflies. "They do" Allen laughed. They continued their walk until they got home. That night they made love. Sweet caring love. "L-Lavi" Allen cried pulling Lavi close to him, both of their bodies were covered in sweat. Both of them were panting, "M-more" Allen cried. Lavi moved himself in and out of his young lover slowly.

They both soon collapsed onto the bed panting and sweating. "That w-was amazing" Lavi panted "It was" Allen grinned. They both then pulled each other close, Lavi pulled the sheets over them still holding Allen. "I love you" Allen whispered "I love you to" Lavi whispered back. They soon drifted of to sleep.

"Lavi" Allen whispered. "No" he screamed. "I-I won't do this" he cried "I love him to much." With that Allen dropped the knife in the sink and pulled the closest piece of cloth that was near him which happened to be a hand towel. He grasped his wrist trying to stop the bleeding. He then reached into the medicine cabinet and pulled out gauze to wrap his wrist with.

Shortly after a half a hour passed the bleeding had stopped all together. Allen was know waiting for Lavi's arrival, he was scared, what would he say?

The door then creaked open, Allen looked up from his spot on the couch. Lavi slowly walked in smiling "Hey sorry, I was just having a really good time I didn't mean to stay so long." "It's ok" Allen smiled. "So did you maybe want to watch a movie in a litt-" Lavi stopped and stared down at the kitchen floor which was covered with Allen's blood. "A-Allen what is this" Lavi stuttered

"I-I cut my self" Allen choked out. "On accident?" Lavi looked horrified at the floor.

"No" Allen tried to speak but his voice cracked with tears running down his face. "I don't know why but earlier this week I picked it up and saw me on the floor with blood all around me and you were holding me, and tonight I picked it up. I don't know why but I slit my wrist with it" Allen cried.

"But then I remembered that day when we took a walk in the park were we saw those butterflies, and then I remembered that night. Then I thought of how much I love you and I-I couldn't do it, because I knew it would cause you pain." Allen cried.

Suddenly Lavi was holding Allen "Don't you ever do this again, ever, if you died I wouldn't know what to do I would probably end up killing my self just to be with you" Lavi soon had tears rolling down his cheeks along with Allen.

"I won't" Allen tried to say "Because, at that moment when I slit my wrist I saw your face, and I found what I am living for. You." Lavi then pulled away from allen and looked him in the eyes. Lavi could tell whenever Allen was lying, and this was not one of those times, he was telling the truth.

"Allen" Lavi pulled Allen closer to him. "Please, can we forget about this" "I don't know, for know lets just go to bed." Allen slowly nodded and they walked into their bed room kicking of their shoes, not even caring that they were still fully dressed. They soon both drifted of to sleep in each others arms...

It had been one year since Allen tried to kill him self. They had grown closer together. Allen had totally forgotten about having suicidal thoughts, well that all changed when Allen saw the knife again.

Lavi was at work and Allen had reencountered the knife again. He felt like what he did that night a year ago. He picked up the knife once more then a voice popped in his head it was from the same night that he tried to kill him self,

"_Please if you try to kill your self again for any reason, please tell me so I can die with you." _

It was Lavi's voice. Allen started to cry, yes he loved Lavi and he wanted to be with him but he also wanted to die at the same time.

Allen then picked up the phone on the counter and dialed Lavi's number. It rang for a few seconds then Lavi picked up "Hello?" "L-Lavi" Allen whispered crying. "Hey, Allen what's up" "Lavi can you come home, please?" Allen asked shaking. "You want to kill yourself again, don't you" Lavi's voice was dead serious. There was silence "Ok I'll be home in five minutes, please just hold on" Lavi begged. "Ok" Allen was still shaking.

Lavi arrived at the apartment in two minutes he raced in the door to find Allen sitting on the couch. "Allen" He ran over to Allen and pulled him into his arms. Allen pulled Lavi in close to him.

"Are you sure you want to do this" Lavi pulled away to look at Allen. "Yes" 'if I could ask, why" Lavi asked Allen. "Because I'm forgetting things, small things, and I don't want to forget you" he cried shoving his face into Lavi's chest.

"Ok, I just have one small request before we die" Allen looked up at Lavi through his eyes that were filled with tears. "What would that be?" Allen asked "I want to make love to you one last time" Lavi whispered "Me to" Allen whispered back.

They wasted no time taking of their clothes, soon they were both naked in their bed. "You ready" Lavi asked panting. "Yes, do it" Allen whispered. Lavi then trusted into allen, Allen cried out in pain and pleasure. "M-more" Allen cried out, Lavi moved in and out of his lover slowly. Lavi soon carefully fell down next to Allen.

Before Lavi could say anything Allen was crying pulling Lavi into him "I-I'm so confused" Allen screamed "I wanted to die just a little over two hour ago but know I don't know if I want to." "Allen, whatever it is you choose to do I will always be right next to you all the way through" Lavi pulled Allen in close to him.

"What do you want to do" Allen asked Lavi. "Honestly I want to stay with you as long as I can before death parts us" Lavi spoke meaning every word without stuttering at all. "Then, forget about dying tonight" Allen looked up at Lavi "If you want to stay on this earth then I will follow your wishes until we both die" Allen smiled. "Allen, I can't accept this offer" "why not" "because I don't ever want to think that I put you through suffering or pain of any sort. I know that you want to die, but I want to live on together. However I if you really want to die I will die with you." "L-Lavi" Allen cried. He hated how he was practically asking Lavi to give up his life, especially knowing how much Lavi loved life.

The next morning Lavi woke up to find himself in an empty bed he instantly got up and ran up out of the room to find Allen naked, digging through the utensil drawer pulling out a knife. "Wait" Lavi called out, Allen jumped at the sound of Lavi's voice. "Lavi" Allen turned and faced his lover.

That night the two were found in their bed naked with both of their wrists cut. The sheets were covered with blood, and so were their bodies. When paramedics arrived they thought that they were both dead, they were wrong Lavi somehow was still clinging on to life. Unfortunately Allen was dead, long dead a long time ago.

It took a long time for Lavi to wake up but when he did he hated himself for being alive, he had lost Allen. Oh how he wanted to see his face, his smile and his eyes. He wanted to die so much, he missed Allen he wished that he would have cut his wrists deeper so he could be with him.

- Two years later -

Lavi was digging through his apartment, he was going to be moving soon. He got a job offer he couldn't refuse, he hated leaving this apartment. For it was the apartment in which Allen died in. Even though he knew he was gone he still wanted to be in the place were he spent his last moments.

"Lavi hurry up with those boxes" Bookman yelled over at Lavi. "I know, I know" Lavi pouted. Just then he tripped on something, a broken floor board with a piece of paper under it? Lavi sat up and pulled out the piece of paper that turned out to be an envelope on the front it said _Lavi_. It was Allen's hand writing, he could feel his heart drop. He slowly opened the letter carefully and started to read what it said.

Dear,

Lavi

If you are reading this then it means that you are moving on with your life, it also means that I am dead. I am sorry for leaving you, I really am, I never wanted to leave you but I did anyway. I just wanted to say I love you and please don't hate me. I don't know why I am leaving when I have such an amazing person like you who loves me. I hate myself for leaving you. I will miss your face, your smile, your hair, your love for life and your love for me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You weren't grossed out by my arm and didn't think that my scar was weird nor did you think that of my hair. Do you remember the first time we made love? Do you remember how nervous we were? Do you remember the first time that we said we love you? Well I love you with all of my heart and I hope you still feel the same way about me.

Your Lover,

Allen

P.S: I will be waiting for you in heaven.

Lavi stared at the letter, tears were soon spilling down his cheeks "Allen" Lavi whispered. "Oi idiot, I said to hurry with those bo-" Bookman stopped talking and saw Lavi down on his knees crying.

Bookman walked over to Lavi and briefly glanced over the letter. "That boy, he made you suffer so much." Bookman whispered.

"I know but I still love him" Lavi cried. With that Lavi got up and walked past Bookman, then into the kitchen.

"You sure you want to do this" Bookman questioned Lavi.

"Yes, I want to see him even for just a moment I want to see his smile again" Lavi slowly reached into the utensil drawer and pulled out the same knife that Allen killed himself with.

"I'm leaving, I don't want to see what's going to happen here" Bookman walked out of the apartment. "Goodbye" "Goodbye" They both replied to each other, Bookman was then out of the apartment.

Lavi picked up the knife, walked into what was his and Allen's room sat down on the bed then slit his wrist with the knife at least seven times.

"I will soon be with you Allen, I will soon be with you again" Lavi's voice echoed in the apartment.

That... *sniffle* was so depressing, I cried at least half the time writing this. Please to anyone reading this REVIEW I really want some reviews on this, please! Tell me was it good, bad, terrible, amazing, SOMETHING! I am begging you please review! I am always open for criticism, I just want to make my writing better! Remember this is my second story so I know that its not so good. Also tell me if you want a sequel or not, I would make one in a heart beat if someone asked for one!


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